(Lov) // "That's a Wrap!"

On the 13th day of Christmas, Brendan and I frustratingly wrapped our Christmas presents after having dinner with his Father who is in town on business.  Frustratingly being the key word.  I told you in the last post about a conversation Brendan and I had about this little project of mine, and as a result of that conversation... this will be my last "Will You Merry Christmas Me?" post.

What started as a simple idea to help my husband, has managed to backfire on me.  Don't get me wrong... HE has been wonderfully receptive, cheerful, and even said "I am having the best Christmas ever" on many an occasion.  It's what this project is doing to ME that I never expected. My original idea was to show Brendan all the wonderful that this season had to offer; hoping to inspire in him an understanding as to WHY all things Christmas were indeed so fun and magical.  But instead of leading by example and finding joy myself, I have let this project turn ME into sort of a scrooge.

My husband, who loves me with such sweetness and patience, pointed out that it didn't seem that I was having much fun. He was right... as usual. I have felt burdened when having to come up with ideas and surprises EVERY day. I have been making and eating things I KNOW I am allergic to that make me feel bad...just because "that's what you do!"  I have found myself overwhelmed by trying to blog about this project on a daily basis... getting grumpy at my husband and daughter for wanting my attention and time when the "I just need to finish this!" version of me would get on the computer.  I have enjoyed myself very little and have turned this project of inspiration into a project of obligation... the very thing I was supposed to vanquish from our holidays.

I wish I would have recorded my husband on the night that we talked... I was in a "wheat fog" (that's what I call the cloudiness I experience after eating too much wheat) and am finding it difficult to recall all the beautiful things that he said. What it finally all came down to was that He loves me and that my happiness is what brings him the most joy. The only way he would learn to love and appreciate Christmas would be by seeing ME happy and enjoying myself.  And even then, it wouldn't be Christmas that he was appreciating... it would be MY finding enjoyment in Christmas. Without genuine joy, it IS all obligation and traditions that are burdensome and meaningless. Touche.

Alas, I have decided to end my project early to unburden myself from the obligations that I have unwittingly placed upon Christmas, in hopes that I might actually start to enjoy the next two weeks with my family. Now, if I want to do something "Christmas-y", my only motivation will be to HAVE FUN... not to prove to my husband it's fun, to blog about it, or to do it because "that's what you do!"  I can feel myself getting lighter as I type and look forward to letting myself experience what I wanted for my husband all along...some tenderness and depth of feeling for what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.  Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours!


(Lov)e,


-k.