(Ed) // The problem of (my) pain.

"The Son of God suffered unto the death, not that men might not suffer, but that their sufferings might be like His."  

George MacDonald, Unspoken Sermons-First Series

This the preface to "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis from "The Complete Signature Collection" that I have owned about ten years; bought shortly after I was saved when I was 25. At the same time I bought this book, I also purchased "The virtue of selfishness" by Ayn Rand. Those two books and the Bible were all I read for 2 years, after finally surrendering my life to God. This was a humbling time, I  truly had nothing left of me but the love of a saviour who gave his life for me and the love of my my family who had great hope for me and what God was trying to do with my life.

So these three books - a book written by God Himself (to learn about God), another book written by a intellectual former atheist who was saved by that God and the Bible he wrote (to learn about my new believing self), and yet another book written by a woman who thought that man was an “abysmal bastard,” a “monstrosity,” a “cheap, awful, miserable" idiot whose ideas were nothing short of "bullshit" (in order to learn about the world). 

The C.S.Lewis book from which this George MacDonald quote came is actually seven of his books in one.  I have read most, but have never seriously read, "The Problem of Pain"... preferring  "Mere Christianity" and "The Screwtape Letters".

I have experienced my share of pain (self inflicted, circumstantial, emotional, physical) in my life....seeking comfort in the world and my selfish pursuits; trying to turn pain in to pleasure or devising ways to avoid it all together - reviving the natural/old man); the Ayn Rand approach. And I have done little in the ways of letting it bring me closer to understanding and loving God; the Jesus/C.S. Lewis approach. 

I am thoroughly convinced that how a person deals with pain reveals if they are living as a natural man (old man) or a spiritual man (new man). Walking in the newness of life or being conformed to the image of the world.

On day three of being sick (yet again), I do not believe it was a coincidence that I picked up this book today.

“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world....No doubt pain as God's megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. it removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of the rebel soul.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain


Rand believed that pain was a - warning signal of danger, indicating that the organism is pursuing the wrong course of action, that something is impairing the proper function of its body, which requires action to correct it. - that action being rebellion against the pain. 

Lewis saw that it's our reaction to pain that can either lead to an act of sin (rebellion) or repentance. He saw virtue in surrender and repentance. She saw virtue in rebellion. 

It is high time I learn to accept pain for what it truly is in this "earthly life" and let it transform me (new man behavior) rather than try to "make it stop" with comfort or knowledge (old man survival behavior) prolonging the life of the natural man. So I'm giving this book a whirl. I expect to find this:


The problem is not pain; but it is in letting our natural man responed to the pain rather than the spiritual man. We must surrender. Accept. Partake in the suffering of Christ. Die to self. Be ye transformed... ((be the new spiritual man)).

(L)ove,

-k.

(Ed) // THE GRACE LIFE >> f a i t h.

I vividly remember going to an AA meeting when I was 19 or 20 and listening to an "old timer" talk about his first meeting when he was just about my age. He said:

"I was hopeless and broken and wanted so much to be better. I didn't think I could talk, so I just listened. Everyone kept talking about needing to have faith in a higher power and I remember looking at a giant Oak tree outside the window. That tree seems to be doing better than me so I'm going to place my faith in it. I'm going to think about how big and old it is.  I'm going to think about how strong and deep it's roots go.  I'm going to have faith that I can be like that tree. I was feeling pretty damn good about my tree all week and was excited to attend another meeting.  When I got there, everyone was talking about the awful storm that had rolled through the night before and all the damage that it had caused. I sat down in the same spot as last time next to the window. And I'll be damned if I didn't see a work crew out there cutting down what remained of my tree. A women leaned over and said, 'Isn't it a shame?  It got struck by lightning and destroyed the roof of the building next door.'  'I'll say it's a shame... I chose that tree to be my higher power last week!' I groaned. 'Oh honey,' she laughed 'you should only put your faith in things that can't be destroyed. Only faith in God will get you through.' She was right.  And I've been sober for 32 years because I put my faith in The One who died on a tree... The One who rose from the dead to never be destroyed."

As powerful as that story was, it still took ME about five more years before I personally placed my faith in Jesus Christ. After years of trying to find my own way I had to realize that the road of self discovery (faith in myself) was only taking me to places I never wanted to go. The day I realized I was lost was the day I recognized my sinfulness, my need for a Savior, and accept God's gift of Christ as my only means of redemption. The day I changed the object of my faith from me to HIM was the day that I got saved. Over time, I began to trust the Bible as my authority and guide and my faith in God began to grow and mature, for Faith comes by hearing the word of God (Romans 10:17). I began to walk with confidence that Jesus Christ (the WORD of GOD) was the only reliable thing in which I could place my faith. 

Faith is defined for us in the book of Hebrews:

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." ~ Hebrews 11:1

This particular chapter is known as "The Hall of Faith" as it proceeds to give accounts of the most faithful men and women of the Bible. For example, God told Noah to build an ark because He was going to bring a massive flood. Noah took God at His word and built the ark. God told Abraham to go out to a place that he would receive as an inheritance. Abraham took God at His word, left his familiar surroundings, and he went to where he was told to go. God indicated to Sarah, who was long past the age of childbearing, that she would conceive a son. The Scripture states: “She considered Him faithful who had promised.” She took God at His word. Regardless of circumstances, despite arguments of logic and reason, and regardless of how he or she felt, each person mentioned in Hebrews 11 believed God and His word and chose to be obedient.

In regards to equanimity, it is faith (believing God's word) that allows a person to WALK with wisdom, conviction and confidence when we encounter challenges, crisis or conflict. 

Like the story I shared above, placing our faith in the wrong things is useless and vain (1 Corinthians 15:17). The right thing in which we should place our faith is always what God provides as the object of faith. So if faith is a matter of taking God at His word, it is upon that word that our faith is to be established.   

What God says about His Word:

“Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words shall not pass away.” ~ Matthew 24:35

"Being born again, not of corruptible seed, but of incorruptible, by the word of God, which liveth and abideth for ever." ~ 1 Peter 1:23

"The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever."~ Isaiah 40:8

These verses indicate that life is perpetual change, and yet God’s Word remains constant. His truth never changes and it is by that truth we walk into eternal life. Even though heaven and earth will pass away, God’s Word will remain. This means that no matter how we may feel or what we experience, we can confidently choose to depend on the Word of God as the unchanging reality of our lives.

God’s Word is:

• truer than anything I feel 
• truer than anything I experience 
• truer than any circumstance I will ever face
• truer than anything in the world

I have shared with you many times how deeply I struggle with my feelings. It is only by stepping outside of myself and putting my faith in God that I am able to overcome the destructive nature of negative emotions. With each 'leap of faith" I find I am moving closer to equanimity.  

An illustration of Faith:

"One night a house caught fire and a young boy was forced to flee to the roof. The father stood on the ground below with outstretched arms, calling to his son, "Jump! I'll catch you." He knew the boy had to jump to save his life. All the boy could see, however, was flame, smoke, and blackness. As can be imagined, he was afraid to leave the roof. His father kept yelling: "Jump! I will catch you." But the boy protested, "Daddy, I can't see you." The father replied, "But I can see you and that's all that matters." The boy jumped, because he trusted his father."  ~  Donner Atwood.

Mind renewing truth: "Faith in Christ enables us to face life or meet death, not because we can see, but with the certainty that we are seen; not that we know all the answers, but that we are known by The One who does."

(Lov)e,

-k. 

(Ed) // THE GRACE LIFE >> i n t e g r i t y.

The word integrity comes from the same Latin root as integer and implies a wholeness. Like a "whole number", so is a person of integrity... intact, complete, integrated, and authentic. A person of integrity is living rightly (acting honestly and consistently with their morals and beliefs) not divided (with corruption, hypocrisy, or compromise).   Integrity is what allows for confidence of word and action… knowing that you are “doing the right thing” even in spite of what you may ”feel”. 

This verse in particular stood out to me as a beautiful picture of integrity:

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, 

that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." ~ James 1:2-3

Christ like Integrity: being patient and joyfully faithful to what God values in the face of temptation which makes one perfect (mature), entire (whole), and wanting nothing (at peace). 

As a person who has chosen to trust Christ for my salvation, simply put:  I believe God.  I believe that the moment I trusted on Him, an exchange took place and I am no longer my own:   for "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me:" ~ Galatians 2:20a. By seeing myself through this perspective, how I am to live my life becomes very clear:  I am to believe God, value what he values, and live a life that is an expression of those values. 

A believer with integrity knows that God's standards of virtue (life-giving and life-sustaining values) are exhibited in the life and death of Jesus Christ. Virtues that, if understood though study and prayer, are acted upon in complete trust and are continually developed through discipline, will produce a life that is a reflection of Godly righteousness. For the Christian, this is integrity:  "Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God." ~ Romans 6:13  

Those with integrity have taken the time to understand through God's word what exactly they are to value as a "new creation in Christ" and choose, again and again, to live a life in accordance with those values. Over time, they become skilled and strong in "doing that which is right": internal conflicts between the spirit and the flesh become less frequent as they become more practiced at recognizing and acting consistently with their belief.  They are grounded and rooted in truth and are thus spared the consequences of mental corruption : guilt, pain, shame, fear, anxiety and depression. 

The Bible describes a believer that is lacking in integrity as "double minded": only hearers of the word but not does...deceiving themselves. Those who are double minded are different people according to their circumstances or they maybe not be the same person in private (at home/online) that he or she is in public (in the world/offline). A person lacking integrity lives a life of duplicity and inconsistency in attitudes and actions... They talk about their faith IN God and yet they do not walk by the faith OF God. As written in the book of James: "A double minded man [is] unstable in all his ways" : driven by their selfish desires with shifting values and beliefs that change according to their emotions and circumstances.

How integrity relates to equanimity is easy to see : it is the stabilizer of the mind and spirit.  

Almost a month has gone by since publishing my last post on equanimity. It didn't occur to me at the time of writing it, that by laying down the qualities of equanimity in the order that I did (integrity, faith, mindfulness, well-being, wisdom, insight, and freedom), that I would need to write the subsequent posts on that topic in order. Why oh WHY did I put integrity first?!?!  Why did I do this to myself one week before going on vacation? I even tweeted : "Having integrity means blogging about integrity even when you don't want to...because you previously blogged that you would. Uhhhh." I was obviously not looking forward to writing this post and decided to put it off after I returned from vacation.

Once I was free from my self imposed deadline, my experience began to be less about blog content and more about living. And as it turns out, having the concept of integrity roll around in one's mind for a month (especially when a good deal of that time was spent in different circumstances surrounded by different people) is a pretty wonderful thing. 

Meditating on integrity:

*inspired me to clarify my values: truth, love, family, community, work, prayer, clarity, nessecity, etc.

*constrained me to reconcile those values with my actions: like choosing to show compassion and love to someone for whom I have little personal respect

*encouraged vulnerably which lead to deeper conversations and connections : such as sharing my struggles with submission and obedience.

*began changing my perspective : paying less attention to "what I want" and more attention to "what is right".  

*enlightened me to opportunities that would allow me to exercise (in action) that which I proclaim to value (in word) : looking for ways to be of service, to encourage, to share truth, to be love.

What God says about living a life of integrity:

*it preserves us: "O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee.

Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee." ~ Psalm 25:20-21

*it guides us: "The integrity of the upright shall guide them: but the perverseness of transgressors shall destroy them." ~ Proverbs 11:3

*it results in blamelessness and enables us to shine the light of God:  "That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;" ~ Philippians2 :15

Mind renewing truth: "In Christ I am the righteousness of God...now act like it!" 

(Lov)e,

-k.

(Ed) // THE GRACE LIFE >> E q u a n i m i t y.

Equanimity has been described as “the emotional ground for wisdom and freedom and the protector of compassion and love.” It is the ability to see your surroundings without getting caught and held by what we see: the power of observation conquering the desire for sensation. It is the ability to approach our circumstances with patience, compassion, balance, composure, and stability. It is esteemed as a virtue in all of the major faiths and it is what I have been seeking most of my life. 

In the Buddhist practice, equanimity is seen as the protector against the “eight worldly winds”: praise, blame, success, failure, pleasure, pain, fame, and disrepute. Without equanimity, these experiences (or winds of life) can blow a person off course.  An example most fitting to give here would be for blogging/social media: without equanimity, becoming “popular” or influential can lead to arrogance and a personal investment in praise and compliments can lead to conceit. On the other side of the coin, remaining unnoticed or receiving criticism may lead to feelings of incompetence and inadequacy.

It was my lack of equanimity that has kept me away from my blog for so long… and made me want to, at times, scrap the whole thing and call it a day.  I would swing back and forth between feeling above blogging and beneath it… getting caught and held by the two extremes of my pendulous emotions. I have lacked the inner balance that enables a person to remain centered and focused a during times of stress. I have been attached to my health problems, pain, spiritual struggles, and have been far too “of the world” over the last 5 months. I was wanting to write about it, but I was not able to do so because (in my emotional turmoil) I lacked objectivity, clarity, and, rational thought. No good can come from such a place and so I remained silent.

Of course Blogging was not REALLY the issue but more a reflection of the bigger picture: I lacked the strength and stability that it takes to find balance in my approach with the world (both virtual and real). In physical terms: If the core is weak, pain will abound.  It’s as true for the body as it is for the soul and heart.

I came upon the word “equanimity” a few weeks ago while reading an article online.  It struck me in such a way that I went on a tear learning as much as I could about it . “People who are masters of equanimity remain even-tempered and unaffected by outside influences. They have learned not to give in to their likes and dislikes nor to react to situations according to their desires and aversions.”  

After reading this, I instantly thought of the hymn It Is Well With my Soul by Horatio G. Spafford:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

This man lived his life in equanimity. You can read his remarkable story here.

Over the past few days, I have concluded that equanimity is very much a Biblical concept and is the result of  “renewing one’s mind” or having “the mind of Christ” combined with “walking after the spirit”.  It is a DISCIPLINE attained through developing the mental qualities that bring about “the peace that surpasseth understanding”.  Those qualities being integrity, faith, mindfulness, well-being, wisdom, insight, and freedom.  

Over the next few weeks, I plan on sharing my journey as I continue to develop these individual qualities in my daily life.  I will explore each concept, share my struggles, and show Biblically  how I am to approach and develop each of these parts of my character. The mind-body connection will be my main focus... the why (mind) and the how (body)...resulting in a change of action. 

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of being blown about by the winds of life and my feelings. If you are too, then come... let us learn to confidently step out of the boat into the storm together... keeping our eyes focused on the one who calms the seas and gives us peace. For all good things are found in Jesus Christ alone.

(Lov)e,

-k.

(Ed) // THE GRACE LIFE >> j o y.

The 1611 KJB defines joy as " a delight of the mind, from the consideration of the present or assured approaching possession of good." In other words, joy is the expression of a life lived in the present... being thankful and knowing that we are loved, having an assurance that our hope and desires will be fulfilled. I'll be the first to admit that joy is not one of my defining qualities. 

By nature I would describe myself as a serious and self-absorbed introvert... often getting trapped in my own self conscience and bogged down by my feelings. I am a paradox; wanting to fully know myself and yet, desiring to be fully liberated from myself. For as long as I can remember, there has been this ever present tension inside of me between wanting to be self aware and desiring to become self transcendent. The only times I would say that I experience joy "naturally" are during times of creativity and parenting. It is during those moments that I am fully present, most "myself", and yet moving beyond all that I know myself to be and into who I know I am in Christ.   

To the contrary, I would describe my husband as a practical and optimistic extrovert...  fully engaged in the moment. He lives very externally; always in search of the next stimulating and exciting experience, pursuing everything in his life with cheerfulness and joy. He is bold, vivacious, and self confident... a natural performer. Unlike myself, he has a extreme disconnect from his emotional life and his "thinking" is stimulated by activity. His only downfalls are his lack of focus and a propensity towards laziness when he sees that his actions will not gain him instant personal gratification. And yet, even when he's scattered and lazy...the man is still full of joy. 

We are a prime example of "opposites attract".  He helps to pull me out and engage with the world, encouraging me to be in the moment while I help him to stay focus on what he really wants and what our family needs.  When we are at out best, we act as a balancing force for one another.  When we are at our worst, we act as a stumbling block in the road of each other's happiness. We think so differently, react so differently and find pleasure in such very different ways that is can often be a struggle.  But what makes our relationship work when it seem like it should not is that our marriage is built upon the foundation of Jesus Christ. 

Mutual belief, faith, and trust in God as well as an understanding that His word is our final authority is what will keep us from becoming another divorce statistic. With all the ways in which we are so different, it would be easy for us to grow apart, become resentful, seek our own, and not be fully invested in the partnership we chose to form if not for the common ground of our wonderful Saviour. The Bible settles all of our conflicts.  Prayer softens hearts that get hard toward one another. And the "joy of the Lord" is the strength of our marriage when we as individuals are weak. 

Joy comes easily for Brendan and I have often found myself envious of his "easy-going" personality. Though it may not be "in my nature" to tap into joy and let it flow out of my heart easily... it IS in the nature of the God who "loves me and gave himself for me".  And just like my husband... because I am saved, sealed, and constrained by the love of Christ... access to that joy is always available and ready to overflow my cup.  The way in which I gain that access is by choosing to focus my mind on what has been done for me in Christ...to glory not in my flesh (indulging in my feelings and imaginations) but rather glory in the Spirit by which I NOW LIVE.  

The greatest gift I can give my husband is to be a joyful wife.  The greatest gift I can give to my children is to be a joyful mother.  The easiest way to have a positive effect on this world,  is to engage it with a smile even on those days when I am crying inside. When I deny the self indulgence that is so strong within me (even in the face of adversity, fear, and pain) and count it all joy for the sake of my Lord... I am choosing to become the stronger person that God desire for me to be. "Therefore I take please in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." ~ II Corinthians 12:10.  It is only during those times that I am made useful and am able to truly love.  

This is my prayer for you and myself today: That "the God of hope fill (us) with all joy and peace in believing that (we) may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." ~ Romans 15:13

Have a joyful day, friends! 

(Lov)e,

-k. 

(Ed) // THE GRACE LIFE >> amazing word.

Grace. It's one of those words that we have read and spoken so often (usually in cliche or idiom form) that it's meaning is all but lost on us. From the way our society speak of grace today you can maybe manage to  deduce a few things:  it's "amazing" and you always sing it at church,  it keeps you from being like that drunken mess you see on the side of the road in the "there but for the grace of God go I" kinda way. It's the prayer you say when you go to certain relatives homes for dinner and it's something that people believe they can lose when they "fall" or sin. Well, the world is a pretty crappy dictionary. 

Brendan and I often joke that the best thing about the "gay marriage movement" is that it shows that people still care about words and their definitions! And yet, our society is growing increasingly lazy and overly emotional with it's speech. Everything is "awesome". Everything is a "disaster". Take ME for example: "Your shoes are awesome!" Did my clients shoes really inspire awe in me when I saw them? NO. So, Why did I say that? Was the kitchen truly "a disaster" when I got home or had the dinner's dishes not been done yet? Why do I get overwhelmed so easily? The words I chose even in the small things shape my attitude, dictates my approach, and reveals the condition of my heart. 

I have been a "visual" and "sensitive" person as long as I can remember and never really thought in words. When someone would speak to me about an experience, I literally SEE a vision in my mind's eye of what the person is saying. It was usually conceptual... my mind using this imagined scenario to help me envision whatever it is they are saying so that I could better understand what they are supposedly feeling. I always gave more credit to feelings and emotions than I did words....believing that this "perception" was a superior way to establish a deeper connection with people on an emotional level. This is total bullshit. 

What I've come to understand, is that words are of  far more importance than feelings because they shape the thoughts which ultimately become our beliefs. Our feelings are simply supplemental; given to enhance and deepen our experiences in living. To be guided by feelings is a characteristic of a child, yet to be guided by what we believe, even often in spite of having feelings to the contrary, is the very character of Jesus Christ. 

The English language is a vast and beautifully detailed palette of color from which you can paint your thoughts with remarkable precision. Over my years of serious Bible study, I have grown to care dearly about words. Words mean a great deal to God...after all, they ARE the way in which He has chosen to communicate with us. Reading, studying, and sharing the words of the Bible are essential for those in Christ. We are to do this so that God  "might sanctify and cleanse (us) with the washing of water by the word" (Ephesians 5:26) which will results in "being transformed by the renewing of the mind" (Romans 12:2). Once fully engaged and completely reliant on the Bible, it begins to change our thoughts into the very WORDS of God. Our next responsibility is to then to communicate God's truth with the world... a big responsibility that I do not take lightly. Therefor, I am very deliberate about the  words I choose in my speech (and writing) because I see the gravity of their truth and accuracy.

If I cannot speak my beliefs in a way that expresses precisely what I believe or if the person I am speaking to  lacks the ability to understand the meaning of the words I am using...we are not communicating effectively and neither of us is edified. Yet, I know that each time that  I thoughtfully and confidently communicate that which I believe to be true, making sure that they are understanding with clarity exactly WHAT I am saying, the chance for those words turning into actions dramatically increase...for the both of us! If I was to remain content with perceptions and ambiguous feelings, I fear I might never have been able to establish (for myself , the world, and to God) what it is exactly that I believe...even worse, I may have never seen the importance. THERE but for the grace of God go I! (-idiom used accurately and Biblicaly).

So why IS the word GRACE important?  Grace is defined as " the free unmerited love and favor of God, the spring and source of all the benefits men receive from him." //  "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:" ~ Ephesians 2:8 

It is only by God's grace that I am able to accept the gift of Salvation through the Faith of Christ. Without Christ dying for my sins and being raised from the dead for my justification, I would not be given or able to receive such a gift. God's favor is upon HIS SON and my being in HIS SON is the only reason God's favor is upon me. I certainly don't deserve it. I am no better than any other person who has walked this earth and yet, in Christ, I am given the chance to walk in grace.  

So what does "the grace life" look like? It is one that operates under the precept that I (the old man) have been put to death on the cross with Christ and that the life I now live is not mine, but Christ living through me (Galatians 2:20).  It is a life with a heart of overflowing gratitude. It is a life of righteousness in response to the unwavering faithfulness of God. It is a life of hope that elevates the believer above the pain and corruption of this dying world. It is also a life of charity (love+truth) that gladly puts the needs of other's before it's own. It is a life given BY God which is then given TO God to be used FOR God. It is both simple and difficult...and it is the life God desires for every believer.

People who are living this life are few and far between and I by no means claim to be one of them....but I want to be one of them. The few people that I have been fortunate enough to know who ARE living in the grace they have been given... truly are amazing. They are fearless, kind, thoughtful, wise, light hearted, loving and filled with a peace that only God's word can give. They pray without ceasing, study their Bible with a passion, work hard, and are well acquainted with joy. They are "The life of Christ" being lived out in the life of "His body" here on earth. 

So here it begins...the first step taken on my journey to turn an amazing "word" into HIS amazing "life".  

Come along will you? Thank you for reading. 

(Lov)e, 

-k.

(Ed) // Diving In.

I've never been one to exercise. The only exception being a few years in my early 20's when I was going to the gym where my brother was a trainer so that I could be abused and yelled at...  oh the memories. I haven't done much since. Lately, I've been feeling how truly out-of-shape I have become.  


Over the past few months, I've been doing more color services than ever and they are beginning to take their toll.  Back, neck, and hip pain are often the result after a long day of applications, foils, shampoos and blow outs.  Posture is HUGE in hairdressing, and if your body is weak... you will pay for it in the end.  Not to mention having an active toddler who weighs over 30 pounds who insists I join in on her activity. By the end of most days... I am a grumpy, hurting mess. Pain and weakness are pretty good motivators to make a change.


We have a family membership to the YMCA, but we mainly use it for the pool on weekends. For some reason, I just can't find the motivation to drag my (and Lydia's ) butt there each day to work out.  And because I am so NOT a gym person, I don't really know what to do once I manage to get there.  I usually aimlessly wander from machine to machine doing a couple of reps (probably incorrectly) before getting on the treadmill for about 20 minutes. Yes, it's better than nothing, but it certainly isn't addressing my problems.


I've always been a highly sensitive person, at least in the physical sense.  I FEEL everything and unfortunately I most often let it control me...which super sucks (my "fleshly" way of describing it) because I'm a total control freak.  And what I spend my time trying to "control" is my pain. I find some sort of weird comfort in my routine of remedies... medication, ice packs, heating pad, Epsom salt baths, essential oils, massage, and chiropractic adjustments.  It's all reactionary control... which is the most exhausting kind because it's an illusion.  My methods may lessen or stave off  the pain for a while, but I'm never able to control it and will typically let it have it's way with me until it passes.  THIS, my friends, is no way to live.


Having an at home, natural birth taught me many things.  The most important being that I needed to change my relationship with pain.  In the beginning few hours of hard labor, I was stalled out at 3cm and not progressing.  Each time I'd have a contraction I'd imagine I was in the ocean.  With each rush of pain it was like watching a giant wave coming towards me and I would have one of two reactions.  Either I'd be afraid and try to run back to the shore in order to escape the pain "wave" all together or I would try fight the pain by jumpping up as the "wave" hit in an effort to keep my head above water.  The problem with the first approach is that it's impossible...the wave is too big, fast, and strong to get away from.  And with my back turned in my effort to escape, I would get knocked down and emerge more exhausted an ever. The problem with the second approach was that the "fight" impulse makes the body ridged and tight as it anticipates the pain. And when you are trying to "open" your body, the last thing you need to be doing is making it more closed off.  This approach helped to lessen the pain a bit, but it certainly wasn't helping me progress. 


It was my wonderful midwife who helped me realize what I was doing wrong.  It was almost as if she got into my head and joined me in the ocean.  She reminded me that this pain had a purpose and that it was not to be feared or fought against.  Rather than running from or trying to jump over the pain, I was supposed to relax, take a deep breath, and go directly into the pain until I found myself on the other side.  That next contraction I inhaled and dove into the wave.  I was completely present and channeled the power of the pain into opening up my body.  In just one contraction, I went from 3cm to 5cm... amazing.  


The lesson here is that the only thing I can control is my will...not pain and certainly not my circumstances.  And with that understanding, I've realized the futility in trying to control the results of having a weak and undisciplined body. True control is found in choosing to strengthen myself;  to train my will to relax into the inevitable pain that comes from being in the corruptible body.  I can prepare or I can suffer... it's always my choice.   


So I'm making some changes.  Thanks to good 'ol Netflix, I have instant access to two wonderful videos. I have and will continue to alternate between the two EVERY DAY during Lydia's nap time.  

Crunch: Super SlimDown

Crunch: Candlelight Yoga

Yoga and Pilates are ideal for me because I need to strengthen my core, loosen and lengthen my ridged muscles, improve my breathing, and correct years of bad posture.  I haven't been at it for long, but I can already feel it changing my body.  This morning I was so sore it hurt to get out of bed, but I did it with a smile because THIS kind of pain if different.  THIS kind of pain is a result of doing something good and productive.  THIS kind of pain is a product of my body getting stronger.  THIS kind of pain has a purpose and isn't a result of inactivity and bad habits. THIS kind of pain reminds me that I have chosen wisely. 


My motivation for making this change is to improve my quality of life.  I want to feel stronger and be in control of my will.  I want to enjoy my job, family, and life as much as I can without pain getting in my way.  I want to stand on the shore and run with excitement into the ocean of life knowing that there is nothing to fear or fight...diving into the waves with confidence and the knowledge that I will indeed be stronger on the other side. 

(Lov)e,

-k.

  

(Ed) // Good Intentions.

My goal of giving my blog some much needed time and attention this year have gone the way of most of my good intentions...straight to hell. Sadly, real life has gotten a bit demanding lately leaving little time to devote to my online life and I must say... I haven't missed it much. Maybe it's because actually progress is being made, things that are tangible and physical are being attended to, and I'm so tired at the end of the day from DOING that I have little left to record the results.

My daughter is 20 months old is a little tornado of a girl.  Talking up a storm and in "go, go, GO!" mode from the moment she wakes up.  In the free time I manage to scrape together, I've been giving my Salon a much needed face lift... adding new furniture, rearranging, deep cleaning, touching up paint, and reorganizing. I've also been busy helping my husband... taking promotional pictures, creating a website and designing his business cards in anticipation for SXSW. Throw in my day to day obligations...work, keeping house, grocery store runs, laundry, meals, errands galore, and putting out the inevitable fires sparked by owing a business... and you've got one overloaded Mama. I'm hoping things will slow down and settle a bit after March, but maybe I just need to learn to manage my stress and time a bit better.  How do so many seem to do it ALL without letting it weigh them down? Maybe it's the sharing that makes it less stressful?  Maybe if I tweet about scrubbing the toilet for the millionth time it will be a more enjoyable task?  I have few answers...I'm just trying to get it all done...before it's time to do it all again. Sigh.  I need a vacation.

(Lov)e,

-k.

(Ed) // BLAH-ging.

I began my humble, little blog in early July of last year ~ Almost exactly 6 months ago. Lately I've been doing some reflection on my life; evaluating how I spend my time, my goals, the levels of my happiness and enjoyment, and my personal growth in areas I find significant (marriage, motherhood, business, spirituality). Blogging has indeed changed me and has certainly effected all of the a for mentioned aspects...and not always for the better.   


You see, before I became enlightened to the Blogging community and decided to join in on the fun, I was quite a different person. Not exactly different in my actions or activities, as I still pretty much do the same things I've always done, but I've noticed a change in my thoughts and feelings. The most noticeable changes are:


Feeling "less than" ~

I've always been very grateful that I never had the desire to find my self worth through comparing myself to others.  I've never been one to judge myself or my life according to the standards of popular culture and the world. Alas, more often than I would like to admit, I've begun to view myself and my life as "less than" in comparison to other bloggers. I am not a James, the queen bee (at least to me) of blogger moms with her stunning family, impeccable style, amazing photographs and a life that all too often seems wonderfully perfect. I am not an Elsie or a Rachel; crafting and sewing my way through my brightly coordinated day. I am not a Jenny, with an Etsy shop bursting at the seems with killer vintage scores attained whilst on yet another thrifting adventure. And I'm not a Keiko Lynn, Kristen, or Amy pumping out weekly if not daily fashion, hair, and make up tutorials. I'm just Kelly.  The problem with that is the word just would never have found it's way in front of my name before I entered into the blog-o-spher. Don't get me wrong, I admire and am very grateful for all of these talented ladies...the problem is with me and how I have chosen to hold their lives up to my own. It's not fair to put people on pedestals; it's heavy lifting for some and a long way to fall for others.   

The "WANT's and Must Have It!'s" ~

I won't blame it ALL on the sponsored items featured on various blogs, but my desire for STUFF has greatly increased since becoming a loyal blog/blogger follower.  Companies sending bloggers swag to help them market their products is, in one word,... genius. Almost all of the fashion posts and most of the lifestyle posts on blogs include at least one, if not multiple c/o (courtesy of) items and most blogs have "giveaways" featuring these products. Glasses, dresses, shoes, skin care, make-up, hand bags, baby clothes, cameras, lenses, jewelry, home decor, art... I think I've seen it ALL on the major for profit blogs. At least the bloggers are honest about it and typically have enough integrity to hock relevant and quality goods that they might actually buy in real life. It's not this practice that I blame, but the covetousness inside myself that this practice is appealing to. I call it the "WANT's and Must Have It!'s" because these are the two most popular comments left on the blogs by readers.

It reminds me of junior high school... needing to get what the cool kids have in order to feel special or "a part of". Before blogs, I wasn't much of a "stuff" person and was perfectly content with living a pretty minimalist lifestyle.  Now I find myself online shopping, thrifting, and going to Ulta more than I ever have in my life. Not to mention virtual window shopping, falling down the ETSY rabbit hole and pinning for hours. Am I trying to buy "cool" and seeking the approval of my virtual peers?  Am I trying to decorate what can feel like a plain and boring life with STUFF?  Am I seeking to fill some sort of void? Have I fallen prey to the "keeping up with the Bloggers" sickness that so many companies hope we all catch?  Cough. Cough. Where's my wallet...    

WHAT'S MY MOTIVATION?!?! 

In the second post to this blog, I stated three reason why I was starting it in the first place. How have I done so far? 

1) to hold myself accountable -  I'd give myself a B.  I feel I have done a good job at "putting forth content". As a mom with a toddler who owns a business and works part time, life can be rather hectic.  Finding the time to blog hasn't always been easy, but I've stuck to it and have posted fairly regularly since it's creation.  Would I like to be a daily blogger?  Hell NO.  I tried that in December and nearly lost my mind.  My goal is make it easier on myself by coming up with a few features to help give my blogging some structure. I'm working on some ideas that will hopefully begin very soon.   

2) to remind myself who I am and what I love - I'd give myself a C-.  If anything, this blog has shown me who I am not. I am not crafty. I am not a hipster. I am not a super mom. I am not a fashionista.  I sometimes feel that I was letting "the blog" turn me into "a blogger" rather than reveling who I actually am. Discovery of self often comes during the boring parts of life and growth only happens as a result of LIVING. What I have learned in the past 6 months is that LIFE comes before "blogging about life" and not every special thing needs to be shared and not every moment needs to be documented. It's easy to get caught up in letting blogging BE your motivation. Blogging should be a product of, but not the motivation for, a life well lived.    

3) to foster a sense of connectedness and intimacy with my friends, family, clients, and perfect strangers. - I'd give myself a C.  I can tell from my stats that my blog has readers; sometimes getting up to 200 hits a day from as far away as Russia and Australia. A good number of my clients mention how they enjoy my posts and my close friends and Mom (Hi Mom) are regular readers.  Yet, very few people leave me comments. This blog may be helping people feel connected to me, but without interaction from others, the connection only goes one way.  I would love to have more interaction with people via my blog and hope to see more comments in the future. I promise I'll write back!!!  :)

And there it is.  The good and the bad. It feels refreshing to be honest and to recognize within myself what has changed and needs to be changed.  It may take my stepping back from this world on occasion to gain some perspective.  It may just take my focusing on MY blog and less on the blogging community. I will be kind and flexible with myself and see where I need to bend. For now, I'm going to take advantage of my husband being home and go have a date with myself.  Camera, coffee, and a windy Austin afternoon... YES please! 

(Lov)e,

-k.