(Ed) // Diving In.

I've never been one to exercise. The only exception being a few years in my early 20's when I was going to the gym where my brother was a trainer so that I could be abused and yelled at...  oh the memories. I haven't done much since. Lately, I've been feeling how truly out-of-shape I have become.  


Over the past few months, I've been doing more color services than ever and they are beginning to take their toll.  Back, neck, and hip pain are often the result after a long day of applications, foils, shampoos and blow outs.  Posture is HUGE in hairdressing, and if your body is weak... you will pay for it in the end.  Not to mention having an active toddler who weighs over 30 pounds who insists I join in on her activity. By the end of most days... I am a grumpy, hurting mess. Pain and weakness are pretty good motivators to make a change.


We have a family membership to the YMCA, but we mainly use it for the pool on weekends. For some reason, I just can't find the motivation to drag my (and Lydia's ) butt there each day to work out.  And because I am so NOT a gym person, I don't really know what to do once I manage to get there.  I usually aimlessly wander from machine to machine doing a couple of reps (probably incorrectly) before getting on the treadmill for about 20 minutes. Yes, it's better than nothing, but it certainly isn't addressing my problems.


I've always been a highly sensitive person, at least in the physical sense.  I FEEL everything and unfortunately I most often let it control me...which super sucks (my "fleshly" way of describing it) because I'm a total control freak.  And what I spend my time trying to "control" is my pain. I find some sort of weird comfort in my routine of remedies... medication, ice packs, heating pad, Epsom salt baths, essential oils, massage, and chiropractic adjustments.  It's all reactionary control... which is the most exhausting kind because it's an illusion.  My methods may lessen or stave off  the pain for a while, but I'm never able to control it and will typically let it have it's way with me until it passes.  THIS, my friends, is no way to live.


Having an at home, natural birth taught me many things.  The most important being that I needed to change my relationship with pain.  In the beginning few hours of hard labor, I was stalled out at 3cm and not progressing.  Each time I'd have a contraction I'd imagine I was in the ocean.  With each rush of pain it was like watching a giant wave coming towards me and I would have one of two reactions.  Either I'd be afraid and try to run back to the shore in order to escape the pain "wave" all together or I would try fight the pain by jumpping up as the "wave" hit in an effort to keep my head above water.  The problem with the first approach is that it's impossible...the wave is too big, fast, and strong to get away from.  And with my back turned in my effort to escape, I would get knocked down and emerge more exhausted an ever. The problem with the second approach was that the "fight" impulse makes the body ridged and tight as it anticipates the pain. And when you are trying to "open" your body, the last thing you need to be doing is making it more closed off.  This approach helped to lessen the pain a bit, but it certainly wasn't helping me progress. 


It was my wonderful midwife who helped me realize what I was doing wrong.  It was almost as if she got into my head and joined me in the ocean.  She reminded me that this pain had a purpose and that it was not to be feared or fought against.  Rather than running from or trying to jump over the pain, I was supposed to relax, take a deep breath, and go directly into the pain until I found myself on the other side.  That next contraction I inhaled and dove into the wave.  I was completely present and channeled the power of the pain into opening up my body.  In just one contraction, I went from 3cm to 5cm... amazing.  


The lesson here is that the only thing I can control is my will...not pain and certainly not my circumstances.  And with that understanding, I've realized the futility in trying to control the results of having a weak and undisciplined body. True control is found in choosing to strengthen myself;  to train my will to relax into the inevitable pain that comes from being in the corruptible body.  I can prepare or I can suffer... it's always my choice.   


So I'm making some changes.  Thanks to good 'ol Netflix, I have instant access to two wonderful videos. I have and will continue to alternate between the two EVERY DAY during Lydia's nap time.  

Crunch: Super SlimDown

Crunch: Candlelight Yoga

Yoga and Pilates are ideal for me because I need to strengthen my core, loosen and lengthen my ridged muscles, improve my breathing, and correct years of bad posture.  I haven't been at it for long, but I can already feel it changing my body.  This morning I was so sore it hurt to get out of bed, but I did it with a smile because THIS kind of pain if different.  THIS kind of pain is a result of doing something good and productive.  THIS kind of pain is a product of my body getting stronger.  THIS kind of pain has a purpose and isn't a result of inactivity and bad habits. THIS kind of pain reminds me that I have chosen wisely. 


My motivation for making this change is to improve my quality of life.  I want to feel stronger and be in control of my will.  I want to enjoy my job, family, and life as much as I can without pain getting in my way.  I want to stand on the shore and run with excitement into the ocean of life knowing that there is nothing to fear or fight...diving into the waves with confidence and the knowledge that I will indeed be stronger on the other side. 

(Lov)e,

-k.