(Ed) // The problem of (my) pain.

"The Son of God suffered unto the death, not that men might not suffer, but that their sufferings might be like His."  

George MacDonald, Unspoken Sermons-First Series

This the preface to "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis from "The Complete Signature Collection" that I have owned about ten years; bought shortly after I was saved when I was 25. At the same time I bought this book, I also purchased "The virtue of selfishness" by Ayn Rand. Those two books and the Bible were all I read for 2 years, after finally surrendering my life to God. This was a humbling time, I  truly had nothing left of me but the love of a saviour who gave his life for me and the love of my my family who had great hope for me and what God was trying to do with my life.

So these three books - a book written by God Himself (to learn about God), another book written by a intellectual former atheist who was saved by that God and the Bible he wrote (to learn about my new believing self), and yet another book written by a woman who thought that man was an “abysmal bastard,” a “monstrosity,” a “cheap, awful, miserable" idiot whose ideas were nothing short of "bullshit" (in order to learn about the world). 

The C.S.Lewis book from which this George MacDonald quote came is actually seven of his books in one.  I have read most, but have never seriously read, "The Problem of Pain"... preferring  "Mere Christianity" and "The Screwtape Letters".

I have experienced my share of pain (self inflicted, circumstantial, emotional, physical) in my life....seeking comfort in the world and my selfish pursuits; trying to turn pain in to pleasure or devising ways to avoid it all together - reviving the natural/old man); the Ayn Rand approach. And I have done little in the ways of letting it bring me closer to understanding and loving God; the Jesus/C.S. Lewis approach. 

I am thoroughly convinced that how a person deals with pain reveals if they are living as a natural man (old man) or a spiritual man (new man). Walking in the newness of life or being conformed to the image of the world.

On day three of being sick (yet again), I do not believe it was a coincidence that I picked up this book today.

“We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world....No doubt pain as God's megaphone is a terrible instrument; it may lead to final and unrepented rebellion. But it gives the only opportunity the bad man can have for amendment. it removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of the rebel soul.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain


Rand believed that pain was a - warning signal of danger, indicating that the organism is pursuing the wrong course of action, that something is impairing the proper function of its body, which requires action to correct it. - that action being rebellion against the pain. 

Lewis saw that it's our reaction to pain that can either lead to an act of sin (rebellion) or repentance. He saw virtue in surrender and repentance. She saw virtue in rebellion. 

It is high time I learn to accept pain for what it truly is in this "earthly life" and let it transform me (new man behavior) rather than try to "make it stop" with comfort or knowledge (old man survival behavior) prolonging the life of the natural man. So I'm giving this book a whirl. I expect to find this:


The problem is not pain; but it is in letting our natural man responed to the pain rather than the spiritual man. We must surrender. Accept. Partake in the suffering of Christ. Die to self. Be ye transformed... ((be the new spiritual man)).

(L)ove,

-k.

(Ed) // Diving In.

I've never been one to exercise. The only exception being a few years in my early 20's when I was going to the gym where my brother was a trainer so that I could be abused and yelled at...  oh the memories. I haven't done much since. Lately, I've been feeling how truly out-of-shape I have become.  


Over the past few months, I've been doing more color services than ever and they are beginning to take their toll.  Back, neck, and hip pain are often the result after a long day of applications, foils, shampoos and blow outs.  Posture is HUGE in hairdressing, and if your body is weak... you will pay for it in the end.  Not to mention having an active toddler who weighs over 30 pounds who insists I join in on her activity. By the end of most days... I am a grumpy, hurting mess. Pain and weakness are pretty good motivators to make a change.


We have a family membership to the YMCA, but we mainly use it for the pool on weekends. For some reason, I just can't find the motivation to drag my (and Lydia's ) butt there each day to work out.  And because I am so NOT a gym person, I don't really know what to do once I manage to get there.  I usually aimlessly wander from machine to machine doing a couple of reps (probably incorrectly) before getting on the treadmill for about 20 minutes. Yes, it's better than nothing, but it certainly isn't addressing my problems.


I've always been a highly sensitive person, at least in the physical sense.  I FEEL everything and unfortunately I most often let it control me...which super sucks (my "fleshly" way of describing it) because I'm a total control freak.  And what I spend my time trying to "control" is my pain. I find some sort of weird comfort in my routine of remedies... medication, ice packs, heating pad, Epsom salt baths, essential oils, massage, and chiropractic adjustments.  It's all reactionary control... which is the most exhausting kind because it's an illusion.  My methods may lessen or stave off  the pain for a while, but I'm never able to control it and will typically let it have it's way with me until it passes.  THIS, my friends, is no way to live.


Having an at home, natural birth taught me many things.  The most important being that I needed to change my relationship with pain.  In the beginning few hours of hard labor, I was stalled out at 3cm and not progressing.  Each time I'd have a contraction I'd imagine I was in the ocean.  With each rush of pain it was like watching a giant wave coming towards me and I would have one of two reactions.  Either I'd be afraid and try to run back to the shore in order to escape the pain "wave" all together or I would try fight the pain by jumpping up as the "wave" hit in an effort to keep my head above water.  The problem with the first approach is that it's impossible...the wave is too big, fast, and strong to get away from.  And with my back turned in my effort to escape, I would get knocked down and emerge more exhausted an ever. The problem with the second approach was that the "fight" impulse makes the body ridged and tight as it anticipates the pain. And when you are trying to "open" your body, the last thing you need to be doing is making it more closed off.  This approach helped to lessen the pain a bit, but it certainly wasn't helping me progress. 


It was my wonderful midwife who helped me realize what I was doing wrong.  It was almost as if she got into my head and joined me in the ocean.  She reminded me that this pain had a purpose and that it was not to be feared or fought against.  Rather than running from or trying to jump over the pain, I was supposed to relax, take a deep breath, and go directly into the pain until I found myself on the other side.  That next contraction I inhaled and dove into the wave.  I was completely present and channeled the power of the pain into opening up my body.  In just one contraction, I went from 3cm to 5cm... amazing.  


The lesson here is that the only thing I can control is my will...not pain and certainly not my circumstances.  And with that understanding, I've realized the futility in trying to control the results of having a weak and undisciplined body. True control is found in choosing to strengthen myself;  to train my will to relax into the inevitable pain that comes from being in the corruptible body.  I can prepare or I can suffer... it's always my choice.   


So I'm making some changes.  Thanks to good 'ol Netflix, I have instant access to two wonderful videos. I have and will continue to alternate between the two EVERY DAY during Lydia's nap time.  

Crunch: Super SlimDown

Crunch: Candlelight Yoga

Yoga and Pilates are ideal for me because I need to strengthen my core, loosen and lengthen my ridged muscles, improve my breathing, and correct years of bad posture.  I haven't been at it for long, but I can already feel it changing my body.  This morning I was so sore it hurt to get out of bed, but I did it with a smile because THIS kind of pain if different.  THIS kind of pain is a result of doing something good and productive.  THIS kind of pain is a product of my body getting stronger.  THIS kind of pain has a purpose and isn't a result of inactivity and bad habits. THIS kind of pain reminds me that I have chosen wisely. 


My motivation for making this change is to improve my quality of life.  I want to feel stronger and be in control of my will.  I want to enjoy my job, family, and life as much as I can without pain getting in my way.  I want to stand on the shore and run with excitement into the ocean of life knowing that there is nothing to fear or fight...diving into the waves with confidence and the knowledge that I will indeed be stronger on the other side. 

(Lov)e,

-k.